The Fall of Fear into the Light!

The Next day, she thought things would get better. 

She always hoped for the best. 

But she never really liked to expect the worst, as the saying goes..

But she had no choice in this matter.

She came home from getting a Job offer, and she was bursting with excitement!

She couldn't wait to share the great news with her man.

As she got home, she realized he was on the phone with his mum.

But as soon as she got the chance, she sat down and told him the exciting news.

To her surprise... He wasn't enthused...

Instead he was down right rude about it.

He began making assumptions.

Insecure assumptions like, 'I bet you slept with the boss to get it"

and then he went on about how he knew she was going to leave him as soon as she got paid. 

His insecurities were just flying out of his mouth left and right.

She couldn't believe it!. 

But then again, she realized that their entire relationship was all

about her defending herself from all his insecure accusations! 

She was really beginning to feel the weight he was putting on her. 

It wasn't hers.

It was his. 

So she stopped. 

She stopped defending herself. 

She got up and told him that he needed to deal with his insecurities

on his own, cuz there was nothing she could do to make him believe anything he didn't 

want to see. 

And after hearing those words come out of her mouth, she realized she had just gave herself the answer she had been seeking the whole time.

"There was nothing she could do, if she chose not to see the truth!"

The truth was always right in front of her.

This boy, that she chose to call her man, was not good enough for her.

With every conversation they had, somehow he had thrown in words and statements that left her always doubting herself and feeling like she was totally drained.

He always made himself out to be so much better then her.  Even though, when they met, she was the one with a car, with all the money, and all the stuff needed for a normal life. Somehow he made it out to be that she was nothing without him. and that he was way better then her.

He never achieved a car, yet, he kept her chasing the idea that one day they would get somewhere as long as they worked together. 

He worked hard to isolate her. He was sure to make life so hard for her with his insecurities that she would lose her jobs, her family, her friends... And once he did achieve her being isolated, he began to disrespect her almost instantly and every chance he got.

And everytime she worked on herself to lift her spirits back up, he would come crashing in with his own created dramas and make it seem like it was something they needed to work through together. 

His drama, his crisis, was somehow.. Their duty to fix together. 

And this was the truth she chose over and over not to see. 

Not to believe.

All because she had a heart of an angel... 

But because she had a Pride that was so much bigger...

 It completely blocked out the light that would have revealed the truth a long time ago.

So she let it fall before her... 

The Next Morning, she awoke after a hard night..

She stood in that small room by the bed, 

Phone in hand... 

Eyes wide open...

and she took a deep breath in and slowly exhaled...

Then she began to text her family in order to close the final Chapter 

to this story of her so-called Pride.

The End... 

**Note from Author**

 Hello Everyone! If you have enjoyed my story this far, please look for my next project which I will begin very soon! It'll be a totally different turnout, so please do come back and check it out! In my belief, Life is a journey that was meant to be experienced to it's fullest. I don't regret any part of this story no matter how dark it really was. I'm just glad I had the chance to survive it and tell you all about my experience! Thank you to those wonderful people who have stayed with me thus far! Love you all! 

XoXo <3

<3 Spiritual Ava <3  

A Rocky Flow of Fire and Ice...

 Mercury had gone into Gemini,

 taking her out of her brain

 and into the night...

She was sitting in her chair, drinking her 2nd beer

and watching her favorite show, Friends. 

Laughter was exploding from her left and right,

 and filled the room with very vibrant energy.

She was in a good place. 

She was fully content with all that she had accomplished that day

and deserved this kind of happiness because of it. 

As the evening began to wind down, 

she had a gut feeling to check her phone...

She opened her Facebook and saw a post from her man.

It was written in Spanish of course, but she was curious.. as always. 

She translates the post and finds it to read, 

"Hey Slave, what you doing?"

She was disgusted.

The very energy of such statement was harsh enough to send a twist in her stomach.

She tries to blow it off that maybe her man was drunk again and just blowing off steam.

Then she notices a notification that she has a text message waiting to be opened. 

As she clicks the message box, right before her very eyes, 

a message from her man appears, 

"What you doing?"

She sees it...

The manipulation. 

She decides not to respond.

She was not going to respond to someone else's insecurity validation seeking request.

He didn't start with anything loving. No greeting of any sort.

Just a demanding statement requesting fear based validations.

She wasn't going to give into it. 

It wasn't her job.

So she put the phone back down and resumed watching her show. 

About thirty minutes later, her man comes home with a bang.

He doesn't come in and greet her. 

Even though she sends out her greeting to him. 

He says nothing and just sits down behind her and continues to drink.

She continues to watch her show but then as soon as she laughs at a funny scene, 

he mocks her very loudly with force and anger. 

She tries to ignore it, but after the third time he continued to follow through,

she turned around and asked him what was the problem.

From there, it went downward and she didn't know where she went wrong.

She tried to tell him kindly why she didn't respond to his message,

but he didn't want to hear it. 

Sure, if she didn't live with him in the same room, this battle could have been put out rather quickly..

all she would have to do is say, I'm not going to fight. 

See you tomorrow when we both cool down and sober up.

But no... that option was not on the menu.

So, as best as she could, she tried to dowse the fire

by standing behind her boundaries.

He wasn't happy, but that was not for her to fix. 

Her own happiness was now on the line and it was her responsibility

to work on lifting that. 

So she put on a pair of headsets and began her Spanish lessons.

As she finished, she realized he had passed out cold and she let out a sigh of relief.

She thought about her previous blog and knew exactly that this was the death she was referring to. 

The death of this type of cycle that ran rampant in each and every single human mind.

A cycle that hungered for outside validations for fears that were floating around inside the body.

It never worked. It never will. 

It was time for a new perspective.

But that would take a true desire to heal.

And so that was now the question in the air...

Did they want to heal?

Did he?

Did she?

She already knew she did.

And had already began the process. 

Now it was up to him to want it.

Later that night, as she was sleeping in the bed.. 

She awoke to him turning and hugging her.

When she opened her eyes, she saw an innocent boy before her. 

His eyes so sad and hurt searching for comfort. 

She hugged him back and let her heart shine it's light. 

But she knew that this wasn't over. She knew that true security comes from within...

But she also knew that she was secure enough in her own love

 in order to share it with him in that now moment. 

And they fell asleep together. 

Just as lava did once it erupted out of the volcano

and flowed down the side of the mountain

 always coming together

in order to be a stronger flowing force. 

Spell it Out for Me Please...

She was stuck sitting in the middle of the

 Land of Confusion...

All the while, 

Drowning in her own sea of emotions...

She really didn't know anymore what was true 

and what was illusion.

Some days the truth seemed so hard and cold 

that she just gave up all reality 

and began to enjoy the sweet scent of delusion.

Why was life so wrong?

Why did death feel so right? 

And that's when it hit her.

Maybe the death she was craving was not indeed 

Death himself.

But the death of an old way of thinking. 

Maybe she was holding on to things that wanted to leave.

Things that never worked out for her anyways.

So then why was she holding on to them so tightly?

To the point that it was dragging her down the road of her next grand opening?

Shouldn't she just surrender?

Just let go.

and

Free fall into the unknown up ahead!?

Yes... That sounded so right and so easy...

But so then, why was it so god damn hard? 

Fear. That's why..

Fear was so strong. 

So clever.

So evil.

Fear had cast a spell over her a long time ago 

and she was still trying to break free. 

Where was her fairy godmother? 

Just a tear drop away?

 

Well she had cried a whole river and that damn dame never showed.

There went that illusion.

So now what?

How to break that spell?

All by herself?

Could she perhaps just think it away?

Was that the answer?

Well.. let's see... all her life, she had been doing things with her brain.

All those mantras, all those positive thinking, all those self-help books...

and still... the thought of a spell was still upon her. 

So how was she to Break on thru to the other side? 

I guess she was going to have to try the unthinkable.

And that was,

To not think.

To not know.

And to not do anything about it.

Instead, she was going to try something she never did before...

And that was to not care anymore.

Not care about the land of confusion.

Not care about their actions.

Not care about what they thought and expected of her.

But instead, she was going to just float.

Float on cloud nine.

And enjoy the land of confusion below her.

She was going to float in the sea of emotions.

Allowing them to be felt, but not to ignite her.

There will be no more reacting.

No more triggers..

Just finding the joy in all situations. 

No more worries of expectations.

Just the ones she truly felt like completing at the now moments.

And that is how she decided to handle life.

To take it moment by moment.

Step by step.

Day by day.

And the spell... 

Well...

The spell could maybe spell out to her what it's true purpose was.

Cuz she really didn't care anymore.

 

The OLD must go in the NOW

 It was nearly 5pm when she finished watching her favorite show.

She was feeling great! She finally did everything she wanted to do

without feeling like she was trying to please someone in the end.

She finally wasn't looking for a validation of any sort.

And as soon as the thought and guilty feeling of getting caught tried to arise in her,

She immediately stopped it with her newly awakened self love.

It was only three days into her daily devotional

of going back to who she truly came here to be,

but already she felt more grounded and clear on

what she enjoyed and wanted to do with her life 

going forward. 

All those old fears and limitations that used to keep her

down in the past, didn't stand a chance this time around.

She was born again... and this time she didn't have a label attached to her. 

She wasn't following any man made religion this time.

She wasn't brewing any witch's stew either. 

There was indeed another road in this life,

 and she had chanced upon the secret passage way!

  

Open or Closed Casket?

 Life just wasn't letting up on her.

Things were getting more and more stressful by each passing day.

Her money situation was at a standstill..

She had become a beggar.

She was getting more and more antsy inside her core.

And she hated that feeling.

But this time, she decided to wait it out.

With all her might, she made herself wait.

She was now 'A lady in waiting', as she once read on a book cover.

If only she would have read the rest of that book,

maybe she would have known how to make waiting pass by quicker.

"Ugh", she grunted...

"Reading is for people who can't think for themselves". 

She heard that in a movie once and made it her motto for life. 

Now she wanted to make 'just do it already' her motto.

"Damn this life", she cursed.

She took a deep breathe in... How do these people do it?

How do they live this boring life?

It's like that movie Ground Hogs Day with Bill Murray.

Same shit, different day. 

There just wasn't enough spark in that idea for her 

to carry forth.

She was dragging. 

The candle light was fading. 

It was getting dark..

Just as it would be in her coffin when they closed the lid. 

"Ugh! Shake it off girl!" 

"Shit burns, shit explodes, shit stinks... but that don't mean you have to stay in it. 

Get up and move your ass!"   yelled a voice inside her head.

She looked around, and realized the voice was right...

 She did indeed have another option. 

And she got up... 

and went...

 and grabbed a beer. 

"Drown Bitch", she wickedly said under her breath just before she took the first chug! 

 And that was the last time anyone ever saw her. 

She died that night of alcohol poisoning. 

And the coffin lid closed, as did the rest of her 3D life!  

Karma, cuz the world revolves around you!

Saturn was about to makes it's yearly rounds

and she was sitting at the bar ready to toast to another fallen attempt at life! 

Saturn was not amused. 

Rules, regulations, and responsibilities 

was all that mattered to him, and he wasn't impressed with her 

slap in the face, 'I don't care' attitude.

It was time to get real. 

and sh*t was about to get really ugly if she didn't pick up

her end of the bargain.

 Her life had been on repeat 

for as long as she could remember.

It was always the same sob story.

Boo-hoo me, boo-hoo me.

However, the time had come.

To level up meant to really take a step.

The ladder wasn't going to come down to her.

She actually had to decide to step up.

But everything was so much easier running it's usual course.

The pattern had become so comforting.

She didn't want to end the struggling life that made her feel like 

she was living as everyone had expected.

She loved to rub it in people's face that nothing worked.

That she was proof of this failed expectation

they had of everyone.

She almost fooled herself completely into 

believing that she was so right.

And that they were obviously so wrong.

But if life never took off..

If Saturn never gave her the Green Light 

on what she was chasing..

Then clearly, she was walking the wrong road..

So...

There she stood at her final Red Light.

 And she looked over all that she had been repeating.

Same Job types,

Same expectations.

Same attitudes,

Same results.

What was she really doing?

She breathed in slowly... 

Then out..

And she saw it.

She had placed happiness in everything 

out there.

Be it the 

friends, she would meet or make,

Be it the money she would achieve and spend,

Be it the distractions she could use to drown out the emptiness

she always felt inside...

She realized then 

and there...

That she had placed her happiness

outside herself.

She put her power out there...

Into the hand of a job,

The hand of time,

The hand of money,

the hand of friends...

And she expected to get back

the hard work she put effort into every day

to fill up that power that she had given away. 

Boom! 

Her mind was blown. 

The paradox hit her and brought her back to life.

Saturn had just revealed to her... 

All that she had fearfully avoided. 

No one was against her. 

Life wasn't wrong.

She just wasn't living her life. 

She had given away her power out of fear. 

And then expected to beat it.. 

And that was like a battle that could never be won, 

for it was the battle of self.