Open or Closed Casket?

 Life just wasn't letting up on her.

Things were getting more and more stressful by each passing day.

Her money situation was at a standstill..

She had become a beggar.

She was getting more and more antsy inside her core.

And she hated that feeling.

But this time, she decided to wait it out.

With all her might, she made herself wait.

She was now 'A lady in waiting', as she once read on a book cover.

If only she would have read the rest of that book,

maybe she would have known how to make waiting pass by quicker.

"Ugh", she grunted...

"Reading is for people who can't think for themselves". 

She heard that in a movie once and made it her motto for life. 

Now she wanted to make 'just do it already' her motto.

"Damn this life", she cursed.

She took a deep breathe in... How do these people do it?

How do they live this boring life?

It's like that movie Ground Hogs Day with Bill Murray.

Same shit, different day. 

There just wasn't enough spark in that idea for her 

to carry forth.

She was dragging. 

The candle light was fading. 

It was getting dark..

Just as it would be in her coffin when they closed the lid. 

"Ugh! Shake it off girl!" 

"Shit burns, shit explodes, shit stinks... but that don't mean you have to stay in it. 

Get up and move your ass!"   yelled a voice inside her head.

She looked around, and realized the voice was right...

 She did indeed have another option. 

And she got up... 

and went...

 and grabbed a beer. 

"Drown Bitch", she wickedly said under her breath just before she took the first chug! 

 And that was the last time anyone ever saw her. 

She died that night of alcohol poisoning. 

And the coffin lid closed, as did the rest of her 3D life!  

Karma, cuz the world revolves around you!

Saturn was about to makes it's yearly rounds

and she was sitting at the bar ready to toast to another fallen attempt at life! 

Saturn was not amused. 

Rules, regulations, and responsibilities 

was all that mattered to him, and he wasn't impressed with her 

slap in the face, 'I don't care' attitude.

It was time to get real. 

and sh*t was about to get really ugly if she didn't pick up

her end of the bargain.

 Her life had been on repeat 

for as long as she could remember.

It was always the same sob story.

Boo-hoo me, boo-hoo me.

However, the time had come.

To level up meant to really take a step.

The ladder wasn't going to come down to her.

She actually had to decide to step up.

But everything was so much easier running it's usual course.

The pattern had become so comforting.

She didn't want to end the struggling life that made her feel like 

she was living as everyone had expected.

She loved to rub it in people's face that nothing worked.

That she was proof of this failed expectation

they had of everyone.

She almost fooled herself completely into 

believing that she was so right.

And that they were obviously so wrong.

But if life never took off..

If Saturn never gave her the Green Light 

on what she was chasing..

Then clearly, she was walking the wrong road..

So...

There she stood at her final Red Light.

 And she looked over all that she had been repeating.

Same Job types,

Same expectations.

Same attitudes,

Same results.

What was she really doing?

She breathed in slowly... 

Then out..

And she saw it.

She had placed happiness in everything 

out there.

Be it the 

friends, she would meet or make,

Be it the money she would achieve and spend,

Be it the distractions she could use to drown out the emptiness

she always felt inside...

She realized then 

and there...

That she had placed her happiness

outside herself.

She put her power out there...

Into the hand of a job,

The hand of time,

The hand of money,

the hand of friends...

And she expected to get back

the hard work she put effort into every day

to fill up that power that she had given away. 

Boom! 

Her mind was blown. 

The paradox hit her and brought her back to life.

Saturn had just revealed to her... 

All that she had fearfully avoided. 

No one was against her. 

Life wasn't wrong.

She just wasn't living her life. 

She had given away her power out of fear. 

And then expected to beat it.. 

And that was like a battle that could never be won, 

for it was the battle of self. 

Ascending to CLouD NiNE

The energies were rising.

Everyone was feeling them,

including her.

As she began her new way of life,

she realized that how she wanted the energies to

play out in her days,

were always totally up to her.

If she wanted to have a lot of energy,

full of joy,

happiness,

love,

and just pure energy...

All she had to do was listen to her heart. 

However, 

if she wanted her day to be

 a struggle after struggle..

Full of strain,

stress,

 worry, 

and 

Negativity

that could drain an entire ocean,

all she had to do was wake up

and begin by telling herself that she needed to go to work

to make that money

and 

will enjoy breakfast after she got there.

Then from there,

the drain will have been completely unplugged,

with no where to go but down.

  She chose to go up...

So...

 That day,

 she began her day

with her favorite cup of coffee,

Cafe Bustelo!

As well as her daily meditation.

Her meditation consisted of

first putting 

music in her headphones.

The kind of music that

sometimes took her back to old memories 

and old feelings.

And sometimes 

the kind of music

 that took her into a calm where she 

could really relax and feel 

what she was truly feeling in that exact moment.

Alongside her music,

she also had a website or blogger

who specialized in planetary readings. 

She really liked the ones that always 

made her question what she was feeling.

They got her to open up those uncomfortable feelings 

that she knew she was always trying to suppress or run away from.

As she did a check list of her body talk,

Tooth pain? Check

Right thumb paper cut.. Check

Left knee pain... Check

Then...

After welcoming them all as well as all the fears attached to them,

she was ready to begin her day by asking her heart

what it would really like to do 

 at that very moment that would make it 

feel happy and loved.

And from there she would follow exactly what it whispered to her.

She just had to quiet her mind in order to hear and feel the answer.

And from that moment forward, 

everything she did was filled with energy.

She had learned the hard way

that the only thing she always had to really be aware of..

is that every time she made a decision..

It had to come from her hearts desires. 

Her truest values.

Love for herself.

Otherwise,

If she was rushed to make a decision

and made it out of fear,

Fear of losing, 

fear of abandonment,

fear of rejection, 

she would feel it hit hard!

And eventually if she kept running on making her 

decisions out of fear,

Her tank would eventually crack and all the energy 

would drain completely 

with no one to blame

but herself.  

 

Finale Part Too

She wanted it all to end. 

But she was still there.

Still in her no where existence...

She wasn't a pill popper, 

Yet the decisions she wasn't making 

and the ones she was...

really started to look to everyone like she was indeed 

on crazy pills. 

Loco even...?

But not the loco-motion type. 

So, she had to do something about it.

Life was just going to keep repeating,

especially if she didn't plant new seeds..

And perhaps...

She thought about it a second..

But perhaps,

The seeds weren't the most important part this time around.

Maybe this time..

It was the land where she decided to plant them.

The land had to be tilled and readied.

Prepped..

Well turned over.

And that land was her brain...

She needed to pull out all the weeds.

Before she could even begin to plant new seeds.

And so she began her gardening days.

Welcoming all the old traumas that grew all over every action she

ever decided to do.

She was ready to seize each day 

and clear all that had grown over. 

And this to her was a true Finale...

To finally end all the tried yet untrue.

And then began again

without knowing...

Finale... Part One

 She had taken the blue pill and awoke 

back in her old room.

Next to him,

 in his bed

that he gladly shared with her.

Of course she was grateful.

She knew nothing was promised.

Not even life.

So everyday she woke up 

and was grateful for yet another chance

to make the most of her opportunity.

Then it happened..

As she sat there in her gratefulness...

She wondered...

Without the red pill and the rabbit hole...

What was she to do?

She realized she needed a job.

But then thought, isn't that when the rabbit had appeared to her?

Having to leave behind her la la land

And chase that rabbit with the special watch..

She couldn't think of the answer since

Her time was running out!

Rent was around the corner.

Food was becoming scarce.

Was life really just one great big disappointment?

No matter how much she wanted to escape the rabbit hole,

There really was no other choice..

Was there? 

Or did she get it wrong?

Was the blue pill the one that kept taking her back to 

the life she wanted to escape?

Then she realized..

She was popping pills left and right. 

Blue or Red..

Red or Blue

Didn't matter..

She had become a pill popper....

And there she died...

 In the midst of it all,

with no one to blame but herself...

Except...

Surrender what was... and just flow with it..

 As she sat

in her now moment,

 she looked around herself.

Every thing was the same

yet different.

It seemed, that when she flew 

a thousand miles away from

where she felt so uncomfortable...

Evidently,

 she had brought the 

discomfort with her.

It wasn't her location.

It wasn't who she was with.

It wasn't even the house she was residing in.

It was her.

Her discomfort was coming from

trying to be the same 

fear driven child that only 

depended on the ego for answers.

The ego in her

was so strong.

It told her to run!

To Fight!

To manipulate 

and to deceive. 

To the ego, the more people she was able to spark up

and smoke..

The higher she rose...

But the smoke eventually

disappeared..

And she was left standing in the middle of a desert.

Alone.

Even her family was happy and content

as they were.

And she couldn't understand it.

Until now...

Her Ego had created a compulsion for her.

Her pride had set up an army of 

let's change them! 

But really... 

No one needed change.

Everyone accepted themselves as they were.

And that was her whole campaign..

Love and accept yourself

as you are. 

Yet there she was...

in the middle of a desert..

Alone...

Looking to change someone. 

Anyone. 

As a distraction...

A distraction from the truth.

That she only truly needed to 

Love and accept herself as she was.

and

To stop trying to always change the world.

So she finally let out a long sigh of surrender...

 and knew that,  

from this moment on...

All she really needed was to accept

herself,

'As is', 

and then 

Come Friday,

 all will fate itself back 

to what it should be.

Solar Eclipsed Again...

 After climbing out of the rabbit hole 

that she had been exploring for years, 

she found herself 

 half way to Summer.

There she awoke to 

A fresh start and

A new beginning.

Everything in her life previously had been 

Eclipsed away.

There was no turning back.

All had vanished.

Only Darkness there.

Nothing more.

But she decided to face the light.

She had her headphones on.

Jammin out to her jams, 

writing in her blog. 

There was no excuse for her 

not to truly enjoy the things she loved.

Blogging and writing was definitely one of them.

She loved letting her imagination soar 

with all the possibilities of word play.

It made her light up inside. 

It gave her excitement.

It gave her energy.

And so there she began

her new life. 

In the Now Moments.

Always following her excitement.